Don’t Get Bamboozled this Season: The Do’s and Dont’s of Halloween Candy!

Are you a middle aged dude or dudette who dreads the Halloween season because every time it rolls around, you have to clean toilet paper off of your house and occasionally get a slimy piece stuck on your hand that was soaking up egg yolks overnight? Well, we can help! Stay away from those bamboozling, edgy teenagers this year with our SNAZZY™ Halloween candy tips and tricks.
We know you just shook at the thought of that slimy toilet paper.
  1. DO give out actual candy. If you even consider giving out something like a toothbrush, STOP right there, buckaroo. Children want the good stuff, not the healthy stuff.
  2. DO have chocolate, as it is probably the best way to go. No one likes raisins or hard candy, and fruit flavored candy can be a hit or miss (definite miss when you give out banana laffy taffy)
    Side Note: Dude, banana flavored candy is based off an extinct      banana. That’s why it’s so WACKY and ZANY. That’s pretty wild, homeslice.
  3. DO give out more than one piece of candy. Pls pls pls, the neighborhood kids will forever love you.
  4. DO you want to know how to make friends? FULL SIZE CANDY BARS. Dude, you’ll be handing those out at W A R P S P E E D!!!!!!11!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!
  5. DO NOT give out Whoppers or Milk Duds or ANY OF THAT WACKY STUFF! It’s so generic and anybody would rather have a simple, fun-size Hershey bar.
  6. DO NOT give out quarters and etc. We know, you’re thinking money is better, but honestly we came for candy and not a shiny coin that we’ll tote around pointlessly and can’t even get obese on.
  7. DO NOT even TRY to keep your house closed to trick-or-treaters when it’s obvious you’re home. A simple bag of candy is not that much, and if you really hate people that much, put a bowl out with “Take one!”, except…
  8. DO NOT expect kids to actually take just one piece of candy. So don’t even put that sign out there, ya wacko.
Now get out there and show your neighbor Glenda who’s the real favorite of the neighborhood!
Yeah, even Timmy is cool with you now.

*Bamboozle: An act of tomfoolery that’s meme-y