Five Foolproof Steps To Get Your Ex Back

Has your girlfriend Jessica finally left you for that handsome, flawless boy named Adam she never stopped talking about? Or did your S.O. do the scadaddle because “It’s not you, it’s me”? Well, we’ve got some sick tips – and maybe even tricks – to get your boo back this Valentine’s Day!
One: Play it cooooooooolllll
Yeah, they left, but so what? You’re awesome and capable of being strong and independent! Well, that’s at least what you want to make them think. See, it’s just so cool to make them think you totally don’t need them anymore because that’s exactly what draws them back: the idea that you’re moving on! Because who doesn’t love going back to the past instead of going toward the future? Definitely not you, ya handsome and sly devil. Just go out there and pull your best acting skills from your magic hat (by the way, you’re gonna need that too if you want them back), and show them you DO NOT need them anymore so that they know you need them.
Two: Charm them with your musical skills
If you can play an instrument, that’s perfect. That’ll win ‘em back for sure. But if not, that’s okay. As long as your dad has an old acoustic guitar, you’re safe. If not, you can always buy a broken one off of eBay for $10 (plus shipping and handling). Once you have something that produces noise, even if it’s a couple of pot lids you pulled out from under the oven, go to their house. The best way to get their attention is by throwing rocks at their window, just like in the movies. Be sure they’re paying attention to you, then you can start jamming out to classics like Wonderwall by Oasis or Metallica’s Enter Sandman. 
Three: Give them gifts
The best way to get someone to notice you is by giving them things. As long as it’s something useful, cute, or tasty, they’ll love it. If you want to go down the useful route, why don’t you get them something like paper plates with Star Wars™ characters on them? That way they’ll be able to eat dinner for a few weeks without having to worry about doing the dishes after! Or if you’re worried about their reaction, just buy them something practical such as a Webkinz or some chocolate from the Dollar Store.
Four: Make friends with all of their friends
If ignoring them, singing, and buying them gifts didn’t work, then a sure way to get their attention would definitely be making friends with their friends! When they want to go talk to one of their friends, then BOOM! You’ll be there too! If it works well enough, maybe you can even start sitting at their lunch table! Wiggling your way into their life without their knowledge should surely work, even it’s just a bit questionable. But who cares here? We’re definitely not judging your strange actions!
Five: Talk to them every chance you get
If step one didn’t work, or two, or three or four… then this is your ONLY OPTION LEFT! You must do the opposite of step one, and practically breathe down the neck of your past lover at all times. If you think it’s necessary, maybe even do just that! You need to show them that you’re just oh so desperate and need them in your life or you’ll fall apart. Message them all the time, whether it’s about the 17% you got on your algebra test or you’re sending them pictures of Dwayne Johnson at 3 A.M. When you see them at school, be sure to push everyone around them out of your way and let them know how much you need them. Maybe then they’ll date you out of pity, which, at this point, is just fine for you!
As long as you follow these five simple steps, you’ll be dating the person of your dreams in no time!
***DISCLAIMER: Please don’t actually follow this advice. If you’re really trying to get your ex back, listen to somebody who actually knows what they’re doing. Or move on, because you know you can do better than them and shouldn’t be wasting your time in the past. You’re a catch, ya fox! 😉
**This article was intended to be published last week on Valentine’s Day. Due to a mistake on the editor’s part, we were unable to publish then. We apologize for the inconvenience.